Eponine Dodges a Bullet

The bullet whizzed through the air and landed in Marius’ face. Ouch. Marius was shot. In the face. Eponine yelled “oh no!” Eponine was sad. Marius was going to die. But then he didn’t die. Now Cosette was sad too. She was about to be married to Marius the Bullet-Face. That would have made her Mrs. Bullet-Face. She didn’t like that. Eponine saw her opportunity. Eponine got a job working as Cosette’s handmaiden. She had Cosette’s ear. “Psst! Hey, Coze!” she’d whisper “Giiiiirl! You’re gonna look so hot in your wedding dress and he’s gonna…well, look at the time! I gotta go, my mom is calling me.” “but you’re an orphan.” “um…I bought her last week. Bye!” and then she’d skip off to go pick some flowers and roll around in a field. Cosette decided she couldn’t do it. She was going to break it off with Marius tonight. At dinner. They were having fondue. But first she needed to get dressed and for that she’d need her handmaiden’s help. But Eponine was still rolling around in the field and eating raspberries. When Marius came around to pick up Cosette after a long day of scaring schoolchildren with his face ad teaching them about the dangers of fighting in an underfunded revolution led by a youthful idiot over idealistic half-truths that no one even remembers, Cosette wasn’t ready. She sent him out to go fetch ‘Ponine. He went as his lady told him to. Then he got bit by a giant snake and died. Eponine was sad and cried some more. Cosette was relieved. She didn’t have to marry an uggo. They hugged each other and cried. Then they brushed each other’s hair, had a pillow fight and went to sleep. They all lived happily ever after. Except for Marius. He was dead. The end.

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